Today, I had an insight about a way to circumvent my fear of failing. It started as I was reading the book, On Becoming A Leader by Warren Bennis. In chapter three titled, "Knowing Yourself", Bennis was relaying the perspective of Marty Kaplan on a learning attitude.
What occurred to me is that instead of seeing a situation as an opportunity to fail or succeed, I need to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
This is especially important, when I feel afraid to act, because I might fail to get it right or fail to meet others expectations. My fear usually produces high anxiety because my worth is threatened by the possibility of failing. But what if the outcome is not about if I succeed but if I learn. What if each decision or action were not a test of my ability to be right but an opportunity to get hands on experience in learning something new or improving my skills .
What if challenging situations no longer held the power to determine if I am a success or a failure but only the power to teach me. I feel much better being challenged in my ability to learn than my ability to succeed. If I don't get it right, I am not a failure, I just know what doesn't work, and the next time I will try something different.
In my mind this takes the power away from life experience to determine my worth and instead gives me the power to make life experience my teacher.
7 comments:
i posted my reply on your other blog... but i think this is an excellent post. Something i have problems with too... maybe its the Type A in me? not sure..
Thanks so much Rachel!
This is a great principle I wish I could integrate into my life more. I don't think it is because I am type A though, more like have an inherent self-confidence issue!
I think there is a process to turning situations into learning possibilities. First, you have to grieve over a situation not turning out the way you wanted it to; then, you process the situation and the results; lastly, you realize the life lesson and move on. Some get stuck grieving and feeling like a failure and never move onto processing the situation. This, I think, is maturity.
For me, this insight is about my starting point, more than the ending point.
I don't want to approach situations with the concern that it might prove my success or failure. This is different from whether or not I succeed in accomplishing the goal of the task - whether it is to convince someone of my point of view, resolve the conflict or train a leader.
I want to approach situations knowing that for me, my sense of my success is not in question, but instead only if I can learn from the situation.
Unfortunately, feeling successful, for people like myself who fear failure, is not always dependent upon the actual success of the action, but more dependent on my perspective.
Okay…I am sufficiently intrigued about this book. I ordered it yesterday!
I think you have hit on one of the secrets of life!!! To be the best leader, friend, spouse, employee, parent (or whatever) requires that we keep a ‘learning attitude’. If I approach every circumstance and person as a learner, then I set myself up for growth and gain a deeper respect for what others bring to the table.
For me…this takes conscious work.
Hows come most of get scared to death of getting up and speaking to a group of people. Not yourself, of course. Just wondering if you have some insight how to overcome that fear.
Jim, I don't have a studied answer to your question. The first things that come to my mind are, 1) be well prepared, 2) do it regularly 3) get feedback, 4) be confident that you have something to say 5)think about why you are afraid and address that specific fear, 6)read about it and 7)if nothing works try speaking in front of small groups or writing - you may find you have a different gift of communication.
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